I went to the shooting range yesterday with my brother. On the way home he and I talked about life. I'm not so sure I want to go to college this coming year. I just want a break to find myself and enjoy life before I dive into life as an adult. I know my parents don't mind me taking a year off and just working but it's me holding myself back. A break sounds good now but I think that once college started and all of my friends were off in college I would feel left out and eventually go insane from lack of brain stimulation. So many things have been popping up lately that make me think a break is a good idea. I could just work and relax and not have to worry about the papers due next week but I don't know. I want so much to just have time to express myself and find something I enjoy doing that I am good at. I was thinking today about things I do well....sad thing is I didn't get very far...actually I don't think I got anywhere. I want to excel in something and while college would allow that I don't know if it would be the type of excelling I want in my life or not. Seriously. I get by in school but I'm not that smart. I want to find some sort of activity that I'm good at...piano, dance, martial arts, hunting...something. This whole thing is not that big of a deal. It comes down to do I go to college next year and start an adult life with rules and regulations or take a year off and enjoy being young.Grr...

I've been lying to myself...again. I don't like how one look or one word can dictate how I feel the rest of the day. Many people think I feel one way but they have no idea. It could just be lack of contact....but I will never be able find out.

I started this entry yesterday and was going to finish it today. I was going to complain horribly about my Bible class. I have been so upset about it lately and I have caused others to complain about it as well. But this evening as I was thinking and praying I realized just how wrong I've been. I may not like or agree with my Bible class but the Lord has placed me in it and I am to respect my Bible teacher. The Bible does tell us in 1 Peter 2:17 that we are to "Honour all men." I have definitely not been doing that...not only in Bible class but in many things. I have let my tongue run and spread gossip all over. I knew/know that I was letting my tongue get the best of me but I never tried to really control it. It's so much easier just letting out your feelings and complaining but as I was reading in Proverbs all the verses that deal with the tongue and lips just popped out at me. Proverbs 15:4 says that when I let my lips speak uncontrollably it is a "breach in the spirit". Opening my mouth the way I do makes me a complete fool and I'm sure we could all find many verses that tell us about fools and their lips. I have just been allowing my heart to be filled with anger and unsatisfaction. I have been a person lately that I am not proud of being. God puts us in situations in which we can grow and I've not been a very sweet flower but more like a weed that spreads throughout the flower garden. Oh, how I wish I was a child again singing one of those little kid Sunday school songs like Steve Green's "Keep Your Tongue from Evil". That use to work as a child to remind myself how I should speak or act but eventually I just forget those simple songs. Honestly though I think keeping those songs in my memory and singing them every so often and really just thinking about the words help. I have no right to complaing about my Bible teacher when I should just shut my mouth and go speak to him personally about my problem. So I am going to begin taming my tongue and keeping my mouth from evil. It will be very hard since I've let it go for so long but I have to learn to control it now or it will be even harder in years to come and cause even more damage to those around me. I will accomplish this even if it means holding my tongue with my index finger and thumb and singing "Keep Your Tongue from Evil".  I won't be able to cure the class of Bibleitis but I don't have to add to the problem.